In case you are curious …
This whole thing is really about you being the bartender
but here is some information about me being bitterella.
I am a professional bartender with decades of experience.
I was born in a bus bucket behind a bar on a lake in a small town in New England. By the time I was eight I was working bowling banquets serving prime rib, lyonaise potatoes and green beans to drunk middle aged men. After refusing to clean the men’s room urinal at eleven years of age, my evil stepfather said I could not move downstairs to the main bar so I had to set out on my own.
I have worked at all kinds of bars, nightclubs, and restaurants.
Here is a redacted curriculum vitae for your perusal:
club XXX de lis, XXXXXXX stateline liquors, the ground round, benningan’s restaurant, XXXXXXXXX table and tap, du wops, the hilton hotel (vibrations nightclub), the sheraton hotel (main bar), the hon dynasty, SAVVAS, XXXXX on the pond, the XXXXXXXX hotel (everywhere), XXXXXXXXXX restaurant, and the XXXXXXXXX inn
Since the eighties…
I grew up in a bar and was a party girl by the time I was 13. I was valedictorian and also voted most mischievous in high school after which I went on to terrorize a small private college outside of Boston. I finished with a bachelor’s in intoxication complete with an alcohol concentration and a marijuana minor after which I managed to get my doctorate or ‘PHD’ in Partying Hard with a Drinking Major. I then went on to become a professional drinker – joining rock stars, bass fisherman and most politicians, etc. – by working in a business that allowed me to make money while drinking.
Bartending puts me in the middle of two things I love – booze and money – so I have thrived in the environment for decades.
a little bit of bitter wit…
“everyone has a calling…”
“Yeah, everyone has a calling in life…and mine is ‘hey you’.”
“bartending is…”
“Bartending is the illusion of a personal relationship that ends at last call.”
“this is not…”
“This is not a discussion about what is going to happen. This is me telling you what to do and you doing it.“
“everyone has standards …”
“Sure everyone has standards…
until last call.”
“problems with authority …”
“A problem with authority? I have such a problem with authority that I even lack self discipline.”
“Please remember…kindness is the lube of society. It just makes everything easier.”
Where did ‘bitterella’ come from and what’s with the hat?
The hat is about control...
A bartender controls the entire crowd with a glance of the eyes. Only when I look at you do you know your time for a tasty beverage has come. All of the yelling, screaming, jumping up and down, and yes, even waving money does not move you up in line. You are up when I say you are up and you will know it when I look at you…and you better be ready!
I am bitter because..
I have spent decades of my life watching others have a good time. People think bartending is fun…and it can be…but it is more about watching others have fun. Most people don’t appreciate having weekends off and enjoying holidays making merry and instead of being grateful they would rather bitch and moan. Spend any time in the hospitality industry and you run into these bozos. Spend decades dealing with them and you might become bitter too!
The 'ella comes from ...
‘Ella stand for Cinderella. You know the beleaguered scullery maid servant of the evil stepsisters that isn’t invited to the big ball? Well that’s what bartending is. Setting up for the party and cleaning up after without ever getting to attend while listening to other bitches complain that the Prince’s slipper doesn’t fit them? Trust me. spend some years doing this and you’ll be praying for the pumpkin coach to come for you too!
Bitterella is...
who I am behind the bar. Not only does bartending put you on stage but it also demands a performance. No one wants to hear about the bartender’s problems, they want you to listen to theirs. No one wants a sour puss making drinks while they are having a good time. When I get behind the bar, I am a true pro with mad skills and killer kindness but I can also be mean, vindictive and ruthless. Bitterella is the suit I put on when I play the role of the badass bartender that I am. It is the persona that separates what happens at work from the real me underneath. You might say it keeps the mess of the bar off the play clothes I wear at home.
As you can see I am hard at work on my next beginner bar lessons.
Please let me know what you think might help you to be the best badass bartender you can be.
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